Peace of Heart and Mind

With a heavy heart I made myself get dressed and go to church this evening, The girl's and I went to the dinner and then each to individual groups, theirs according to their age and mine, I chose the adult bible study. I am always glad when I get there, on days like today I struggle to go any were! Tonight I was reminded that even in tragedy God can use us and will profit us if we are obedient. Profit not necessarily meaning through fiances, but rather than providing for all that we NEED! After church I spoke with my sister, she has been a very good sounding board. I told her, I know God's timing is perfect, but I am really having a hard time seeing what his purpose is for our lives and making us wait. I am angry and frustrated in the knowing thatl we are having such difficulties in providing the basic needs of our family! I told her I am praying and praying and am sure God is just as frustrated with me! I guess I am just too blind and am missing something important here and now we are going through these difficult trials! I won't pray for patience, God will most likely give me more to cope with, that teaches us patience, I am afraid to ask for a clearer sign in the situation, fearing more difficulty or some horrific tragedy, so instead I ask for peace in my heart and for my faith strengthened. I know in my heart my God is a loving God and he will provide for us, it is just waiting for his plan to unfold sometimes can be quite hard! And again if you are tired of hearing me grumble and groan, let me tell you..I am beyond tired of listening to myself grumble and groan! This isn't me gumbling and groaning, this is me crying out to God! I am tired and frustrated, I do not see what it is we are supposed to be doing and this is all so very hard! I want to be able to have the peice of mind knowing that the roof over our heads is ours for a very long time, that we will be able to put food on the table, that there will be water and that there will be heat and electric. There will be a time when I don't have to apologize to the girls over and over again for the struggles we are dealing with and constantly reassuring them that God has it all figured out and will provide for us! Peace of mind and peace of heart, that is my prayer!