Gotten Over Myself!

OK I had a bad moment, I am over it! I sometimes have to remind myself faith is just that, faith! And that I have to let go, let God! I am human! I get impatient!
I just spent the past couple hours relaxing with the girls! We played cards and listened to music! I am officially refocused! (Well, at least for now! :)     )Just 47 minutes until 2011!

Looking for my happy thought!

I started the day with lots of enthusiasm, motivation and optimism to get me through the day, or so I thought! We have made huge progress in cleaning the house and catching up on the laundry. But now I am tired and am well aware that we still have so far to go! I went to the food bank yesterday but all the pantries are all dried up because of the holiday! While most of you are enjoying New Year's parties and such, we had plain spaghetti with margarine and a breakfast sausage patty! We have enough bread to make pb & j tomorrow and then we will be on God's grace! It is extremely frustrating!! And it is time like this when I wonder what the heck we are doing! I guess in place of any kind of New Years party I am going to have a pity party!  I am just plain aggravated over every thing today! I will suck it and do what I do best, deal with it! Things will change and get better...eventually!

Happy New Year!

We all slept in our own rooms last night! They were nice and toasty warm! Funny thing is, now that we have the heat on today it is in the high 60's! Woke up this morning after a good night sleep to the sun shining in the window! We still have lots to clean, however it is really feeling like home! Before we went to bed last night, I said to Shawn " hey, we are sitting in our own living room in Montgomery, Alabama!". It has been a long road, with some pretty big obstacles and we have not reached the point were everything is 100%, but it is looking like a happy New year! So to ring in the New Year I will thrown on some grubby clothes and clean this house of all it's cobwebs and yuck! I am not making any resolutions, rather I will take the year as it comes! On behalf of the four of us, I wish everyone a very Happy and Safe New Year! May you start your New Year leaving last years worries, hardships and difficulties behind you! That you will find peace, joy, strength, reconciliation and acceptance in this New Year!

Some Good!

We have heat! And later today we will have water! Because of the mess the last tenant left with their water bill and stealing water, the City is turning the water on for us! They are giving it until Tuesday for them to clear it up and for us to come up with the deposit! Heat and water, what blessings! Today we also found out for certain that we are receiving mail at Shawn's Uncle's house, we finally received the marriage certificate and information on Job Corp Kate Lynn requested. All mailed as those involved stated! Still no news on Shawn's disability, not a big surprise. In honesty we aren't expecting it until the middle of January, but there is nothing wrong in hoping it will come early! Right now I am having a coffee, waiting for the water department! As soon as they get the water on I am doing laundry and scrubbing walls, floors and counters!! Hey, what do you know they just showed up!! Guess I had better finish my coffee!!

Thanks For Nothing!

Asking for help is not easy! Before we left New Hampshire we asked someone to check our post office box up there. You see if we came down here and went to the Department of Health and Human services and tried to transfer our benefits, we would have had to start all over. Because our cash benefits and medicare were still pending in New Hampshire!! Have to love the Federal government! So, the plan was that our mail would be checked in the understanding that we were waiting on some very important paper work, that we would be called if something came in and our mail mailed to us! That has not happened!! We have absolutely NOTHING from up there and to the best of my knowledge the mail hasn't even been checked in over a week, maybe more. I knew they had a car issue, so I found someone to go to their house to get the key. He was yelled at and then thrown out!! I feel very bad for this kid, he is very soft spoken and laid back! He also is dealing with a whole lot of grief this year and he did not deserve that treatment! To top of the issue they often have no units on their phone and phone contact is difficult! Today I got up and found still NO benefits on the card, that means we still will no water and no food in the house! Unless by the miracle of God Shawn's disability check shows up at his Uncle's today! That would be a miracle!!  It is just truly unfair! We asked for one thing, very important thing to be done. And to make it even easier for them, Kate Lynn  left them her car!!  She took NO money, she just handed them her keys!! That way someone would be able to get back and for to work, giving him the ability to work more hours, to run their errands and to go to THEIR post office box! We have asked for nothing else from them and have received Nothing else from them. Unless you call a whole lot of grief something! Because after they threw that young man out of their house, they proceeded to make calls letting other people know how proud they were for what they have done and that they thought we were talking badly about them! Well, if they read this...NO WE HAVE NOT SPOKEN BADLY OF YOU! Until know! Because your actions are unfair and attitude even more unfair! We have NO FOOD or WATER in this house and we have no recourse against the benefits until we have RECEIVED our mail!! And we know for certain a letter WAS mailed to our New Hampshire PO Box on the 21st. If that young man had been given the key, our mail would be on it's way to us RIGHT NOW!! Now instead we are I guess going to have a pissing contest!! In that case, you win!! I am freaking tired, beyond my wildest dreams!! I have to figure out how to get water and food into this house! NO I am NOT going back to New Hampshire! It is here where I am staying and here where I am going to figure out to make things right for our family!!  And if you feel that you will teach us a lesson by calling the junk yard and have Kate Lynn's car junked with our mail in it...MAIL HER THE CHECK!!

God is Great!

As I am writing these we have 3 gentlemen are cutting a hole in our living room floor, to find the gas leak! We still do not have heat or water! Not the best things to go with out, we are managing! We have had just the most amazing folks step in and assist us in getting the things we need to set up house!! We have been giving all the furniture we need, including a washer and a dryer! This evening someone will be delivering us a mattress and a refrigerator! Today we were also given linens for the bathroom and all the beds and the most amazing of all....a wonderful vacuum and a brand new set of pots and pans!! It is truly looking like home! Shawn, the girls and I have been very busy setting things up as we would like them, cleaning the best that we can! We were able to pick up some food from a local pantry, that too was a huge blessing! It has been a true test of humility! We have to figure out where pride comes in and when foolishness has. I had a big milestone for myself, Shawn had to stay at the house and wait on the gas guys and I had to go pick up food. So I had to go across town by myself, and trust me when I tell you I have a lot to get used to with this traffic! Things are getting there, maybe more slowly perhaps than what we would like! Have no heat or water is definitely a test of our constitution!! Prayer is that tomorrow that those things will be all set!  God is great though and it looks like we are setting roots here in Montgomery finally!

Bumps in the Road!

On my last posting I had said that if we were in our new house that night I would feel like a million bucks! Well, maybe $100 bucks! It has been the roller coaster ride from, well you know from where! We should have known what kind of day it was going to be, from the onset NOTHING went right! We went a head and met with the landlord as scheduled, our hats in our hands and our hearts on our sleeves! Simply put, NO Cash, NO house! There is no financial assistance agencies ANY WHERE! None that will help you in any time that makes sense! We did the only thing we could do, the one thing that makes me feel enormously crappy!! We borrowed money from a friend! So, late last evening we signed the lease! We knew there would be no heat, however we had a small electric heater and thought we could tough it out! Then we also came to realize that there was no water! And that may be a problem! Our landlord has to work it out with the water department! In the mean time we have no water! And what I am going to say next will upset those who have been so extremely helpful! I only say that because they have been so generous and I know that when they read this they will have wished they could have helped more. We do NOT want to burden you!! We feel terrible that we are in such a situation and have had to even ask for help. Because those who have helped, have extended themselves above and beyond their own means! I can not even begin to say how Thankful we are and how much we appreciate the help! Having said all that let me continue! My morning/afternoon consisted of me trying to find the funds to pay the deposite on the water, to no avail! And to find a food pantry that could help us with food! There are NONE and I mean NONE in Montgomery that can help us for between late Wednsday or January 5th!! When I explained the situation I was just given another number to try! I tried them all! And for those who want to give me verbal advise on how to deal with this situation best...let me explain again; We have tried it ALL!! I know that sounds ungreatful! I apologize, I am exhausted by the verbal "help" we have recieved! Some has been good, others have just been unsolicate advise that has been nothing short of sarcastic!!  We are here in Montgomery trying hard to do everything within our capabilities to do the right thing for our girls, ourselves and our family as a whole! Despite the hardships, I know in my heart that it is still the right thing to be here! I also know in my heart that in time all the hardships will be the price we paid to start over in big way, for the best in everything overall! We will be able to tell people about the new found strength, faith and humility. And maybe most of all will be the testament of our family, that will inspire others! We love you, please continue to pray for us! We are truly starting over, but there are, as there usually is, some bumps in the road!

Today we just might be STARTING OVER!

I can not tell you exactly what today has in store. I do know I have another slight headache and do not feel 100% up to snuff. But if today we move into our new house I will feel like a million bucks! We have a ton to do this morning! We have the hotel room to empty, the truck to pack, phone calls galore, we have forms to pick up and we meet with the folks about the house at 11am. If things go fairly well, maybe this evening we will be enjoying our new surroundings! There is the chance that we might have to hold out on that joy until Thursday, when we are praying our benefits will have finally come in. That is in the landlords court, to let us move in today or later! If it is later then our prayer is that our marriage certificate is in so that we can stay at the shelter until we can move into the house! Lots of prayers!! After this morning it will be very difficult if not impossible for me to get back online and let everyone know what is going on, I apologize! Be patient and prayerful! God has this all figured out, we willl stay faithful!

Christmas clean up!

You know that little empty feeling you get after Christmas and you have taken down the decorations, cleaned up and put the house together. The house feels a little more empty, a little...less! I have discovered the perk of sharing a small hotel with the whole family, every one's stuff, clothes, food: just stuff! Then you add a few Christmas decorations, just an ice bucket with decorated branches, 2 stockings, 1 pine cone and 2 very mini stockings hanging off a lamp! When you take away some of the stuff, there is NO empty feeling! There feels like there is room! Better yet, you enjoy the ornaments once more while packing them up and then it is all done in around 5 minutes. AAHHH,room to move! A place to set dinner again! There is only a desk in the room for table space. Add a lamp, a coffee maker, the "Christmas tree" and Kelly's PC and meal time becomes a balance act! I am spreading the packing and cleaning up through out the day, if I did it all at once, I would have been done before lunch! Then what would've I done the rest of the day!?
I also just want to say to all my family and friends up North, who will be getting hit by the blizzard,stay safe, stay warm...enjoy shoveling!  :)

A Day for Preperation and Reflection!

I woke up just after 4 this morning with yet another migraine headache! I am doing all I can do to feel better! Today we have to sort out the hotel room! We really settled in and now we have to clean and pack it up! We will be just sitting around the hotel room until we have to leave tomorrow. We are still going to meet with the Landlord's either secretary or son, not sure because he wasn't sure. We will discuss our options, hopefully sign the lease and with even more hope receive the keys! If we are not able to do it tomorrow, my prayer is that we will be able to do it no later than this Thursday. Either way, we should be ringing in the New Year in our new home! I had been looking for a Christmas miracle, well we received the call on Christmas Eve. So, no moving in for Christmas! But how appropriate that we start over in a new State, in a new home and in a new year!! God is so good! It is so easy to become wrapped up in all the things that went wrong, didn't go the way we wanted, things took too long, we didn't get what we wanted or expected. But, when we look at things overall I guess they went just the way they are supposed to! Think about it, how many times do we all get impatient because something is taking to long or when we do not get what we wanted,IE; stuck in traffic when you're late for work or you didn't get that job you wanted.  On the way down south we were stuck in some horrible traffic, we were all getting irritable, but I kept saying " I Wonder if it is better being stuck here in traffic where we were, then dealing with or worse yet, being apart of what caused the delay!" I try to always keep that forward in my thinking, sometimes easier said than done! What if we had come down here right away, got a job and a house immediately?? If that is what God had planned, it would have been perfect! If it was simply because of our own impatience, it would have been a disaster! Because like most people we were being presumptuous. Renting a place, probably priced to high or taking a job that was seasonal and then being layed off, these are the things that could happen. We have stuck to our word and are continuing to be lead by Faith! And if you are still unsure that is true...EVERY TIME we thought we were going to be sleeping in the truck,we were provided a bed, when we weren't sure how to purchase Shawn's medications, they were paid for, when we were out of gas, it was provided, when it looked like the girl's would have nothing for Christmas, they did, when we didn't think we would find a place to live, we have! Today we get ready for tomorrow, and we will have anxiety, we are human! God already knows what happens tomorrow, and he isn't worried, he is God. And I am certain he has plans for this little family!

A little less Magic!

Keeping the "steam" in the spirit of this Christmas, has been a little difficult! The girl's opened their presents, I prepared pancakes and potato pancakes (frozen,but yummy enough!), we then watched "Invasion of Christmas lights" and are in the middle of TL C's great baker marathon. We just heard that there may be a storm passing through this afternoon and evening, actually could see 1' of snow here in Alabama! The girls and I are contemplating some time in the hot tub, it entails going outside to get to the UNHEATED pool room! Trying to decide if it is worth it! Maybe just to get out of the room! Shawn is really struggling with the whole day, made only worse by not having cigarettes for the past couple of days and most likely none for another few days or more! If any of you are expecting to hear from him, do not be surprised if you don't. I have just come to realize that he has shut his ringer off on his phone! And with his "nicking" you may not want to talk to him any ways! He has resorted to staying in bed with a pillow over his head! It might be worth hitting the hot tub so he can have a little quiet time! It has been a bit of a struggle to believe that it is truly Christmas, doing the best that we can! Couldn't find out where they were having a community meal today, so we are hanging tight here at the hotel. Probably for the best with how Shawn is doing! Would have been nice to be apart of something, or at the very least maybe kept us focused!

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas! My prayer is that all of you keep close to your hearts what matters most, this Christmas and through the next year! That you will find hope, peace, joy and love!  Rejoice our Saviour has been born!

This morning we watched the girls open their presents and despite Shawn and my worry about how meager they were, the girls were elated! With each item they expressed their happiness! We are so blessed to have two great girls with a good understanding of the true meaning of Christmas! While we could feel sorry for ourselves this Christmas, we understand that there are others with even far less! We are truly blessed, we have wonderful family and friends, we have one another, good health and a place to lay our heads. We will celebrate this Christmas quite differently in the material sense, but with a stronger understanding of the true Miracle of Christmas! And for what we have we have, we will hold a greater appreciation!
Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!

A little Mixed Emotion!

We had been expecting the landlord we met with this morning to call us this afternoon. However, he had some family arrive today and had begun celebrating Christmas  this afternoon. He did call us around 6pm, very quickly informed us to be at this address on Monday at 11am to sign the lease and try to bring $300. He asked almost as an after thought can you Russell that up this weekend? Oh, sure! I'm feeling a little impatient, given the situation we are in why would anyone think we had any money?? Good grief! And to call so late on Christmas Eve. I know, I know everyone is busy with the Holidays! Christmas has started, people are celebrating with family and friends, dinners, desserts, parties and gatherings! I get it!
We have a number for a church that you can call on Mondays, during a 15 minute allotted time. It is like a lottery, they pick 2 calls to answer, if they answer your call they will help you. Looks like we will be getting up early to give it a try! We also have to pack up the room in the morning. Whether it be to the house, and that is what I am praying,  or to a shelter. The thing about the shelter is, that we still have not received our marriage license! And without it we can not stay at the shelter!! Looks like Monday is looking busy!
This evening we went back to the Baptist church we attended a couple Sunday's ago. It was a lovely service! Lots of  Carols,lighting of the advent and a children's special event. This Christmas is very bitter sweet. We may have a home, yet it is still far away! As are all our friends and family! It is not like any Christmas we have ever celebrated! We are trying to keep the spirit of Christmas in our hearts and to be joyful in what we do have! But, I think we are all just a little blue this Christmas Eve! Praise the Lord for this house, now we have to keep the faith that he will provide the way for it to happen!
I know that is not the most joyful Christmas thought, I suspect that if I check the stats for my blog the next few days that they will be low! Who wants to drag their Christmas down?

I hope everyone knows we truly wish everyone a Merry Christmas! Hope that your day will be joyful and one of the best Christmas's ever!  Luke 2:7 She gave birth to her first child, a son.She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because their was no lodging for them..  11The Savior-yes, the Messiah, the Lord-has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David!  14 "Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased..

This Could be it!

We went and looked at the house, it isn't Taj Ma Hall or anything like that! It is an old house built in the 1930's, it has 3 bedrooms, 1 teeny little bathroom, a tinier kitchen and needs a little TLC! It also has a huge yard, a lot of character and a very kind and generous landlord! We would have to re purpose some of the rooms to make it work and ensure everyone has their own privacy, but it is most definitely workable! We are waiting on a call back from the landlord, he has to have someone go in there and clean it out. He is going to let us know what it is he expects from us and how we go about getting the KEYS!! Like I said previously, Shawn's disability will certainly cover the cost, now we just need that letter! Shawn and I are cautiously excited! Keeping faith that it will out and in perfect timing, not our own but God's. Kelly hasn't seen the house, she is really struggling with all of this and I believe she is just to wiped out at looking at rentals and getting her hopes up, to be let down! She is just trusting us and our opinions! Kate Lynn went with us, as she has with all of them. And as with all of them, given us her opinion whether we wanted it or not. It isn't a "perfect" house with "perfect" rooms in a "perfect" neighborhood and it is causing her a good deal of grief. Hence forth she is giving us a lot of grief! Shawn and I have always been able to see beyond cosmetic imperfections, for Kate Lynn it is a little more difficult! As for the neighborhood, it isn't too much different than the area we lived in on 6th ave in Haverhill. We aren't in the country anymore folks! Maybe that too is part of Kate Lynn's struggle! And she was the kid who yelled all the time that she wished she lived any where besides in the middle of no where, North Conway! How the tune has changed! The price is PERFECT! And this house would truly allow us to get a leg up! I am pretty anxious! This could be it!

Hoping for a little Christmas Miracle!

Well, today it is Christmas Eve! And from the very beginning I had said we were hoping for a Christmas miracle, a place to call home. Maybe, just maybe we will have that just yet! Not wanting to get my hopes too high, this is truly the first landlord saying he honestly wants to work with us, despite of our situation.  He is completely aware of our situation and has told me he wants to see us get a place! We are off to look at the house this morning at 10am...lots of prayers please!
Having that said that, I want to take the time and say a huge THANK YOU! So many of you have been praying without ceasing! Without every one's love and support during this difficult time, we would have not been able to cope as well! We love you all! And if for some reason, we are unable to get this house, we have the best Christmas gift all ready, the best family and friends! We wish all of you the very best Christmas Wishes!

Maybe?!

This afternoon, while enjoying my crankiness, I received a call. There is this wonderful gentleman,Bill,from a Methodist church down here who has all ready found us some furniture and given me some job leads. Bill called to follow up with me,making sure I had made calls to the other folks whose names he gave me and to see if we had a place, yet! I reassured I had made the calls, but no luck with the house . He wished me luck and then hung up, only to call me back within five minutes. He found out another member of his church has rental property and gave me that gentleman's number. (This is a patten for us, I call this person, who gives me number of another person, who then gives me another number...) I called that gentleman, Frank. He his aware of our situation and would like to see us out of the hotel and into a place of our own. We go tomorrow to meet with him and look at the inside of the house. We have all ready driven by it and walked around the outside. The neighborhood doesn't seem bad. Having said that,Shawn and I had just had this discussion about how we have been looking in certain areas and avoiding other areas. No, we do not want to live in an area were we have to worry nonstop about crime or other issues. But when did we become so darn snobby?? Maybe not only do we have to start over in faith but in humility as well. We are homeless for goodness sake! If someone offers us a house, 3 bedrooms, 1 bath and HUGE yard in a neighborhood not in our top picking and we say no, then we are fools! Now I am all too aware that we have allowed ourselves to think we have gotten a place before, only to be pretty disappointed. We are praying with all our hearts that God will soften Franks heart even more and that we will be given the chance to rent this house! The huge draw to the house, besides it being a house!, Shawn's disability would cover the cost of rent and at least partial utilities! How wonderful would that be?! My only other hope is that 1 of the many places I have applied for work at, will call me.  Then I would be able to tell you all that we are truly STARTING OVER!

Just a Thought!

Sitting here grouchy and feeling sorry for myself, something in the paper caught my attention. It is something I often think about during this Christmas. Jesus, Son of God, was born homeless. His situation was far more difficult than ours. His life was in danger and he had to travel far with his Mother and Father, as an infant. Christ the child was born in a barn, surrounded by animals, nestled in feeding trough, with straw! In actualityy, we are honoring that first Christmas in our very situation. Our meager goal is to find a home and me a job. When he was born his purpose was layed out before him and meant dying! He accepted his situation and circumstances, I think I can cope with ours! But, I am going to have to lean on him!

Another Day!

It's just another day!Our big thrill is doing the laundry! I'm telling ya, I know you are all jealous! I suspect that for everyone running around taking care of household stuff, kid stuff, work stuff and Christmas stuff  you are wishing that you could trade a few of my days with yours! Trust me when I say we wish we could have the craziness you are all dealing with. Let's face it, that is part of the Holidays! I don't mean I miss the big PreChristmas house cleaning or the family squabbles! I do miss the rush to get the cookies baked, the food prepped, the tree trimmed and the presents wrapped! Nothing quite feels like Christmas morning than sitting amid a pile of wrapping paper, drinking coffee and trying to see how everything works and getting  the batteries in things for the kids, so they will leave you alone for a minute! On a usual Christmas morning for us; the girls would move the Wise men to the Nativity (they would have been "walking" around the house since the 1st of December,following the "Star") and I will be taking baby Jesus out from his waiting place and placing him with Mary in the Nativity. We would light the Advent wreath and read scripture, then we light a memory candle in honor of those who aren't with us (either because they have passed or they are fighting for our Country) and then  we would briefly pray. The girls then dig through their stockings! Usually at that point Shawn would be making coffee an I would be setting up the cinnamon roll plate. I realize I am being a little sentimental! So I guess I had better suck it  up and be grateful for what we do have!

OK I think I am getting a little too antsy and a little too..what I don't know! But, has anyone seen the movie The Shining, by Steven King? Well, today, needing a minute by myself to stuff the girl's stockings, I went to the pool room. This room is huge! It holds the pool, hot tub, pool tables, arcade games, vending machines and table and chairs. It also has that typical ornate, ugly hotel carpeting. For a minute or 2 I could just picture one of the girls wheeling around in circles on a big wheel! No axe like escapades! It does have that claustrophobic feel starting though! Things are a little busier here at the hotel . We are seeing more families, those coming to visit family for Christmas. By the sounds of one very loud, one sided phone conversation not the best Christmas ever, for at least one Gentleman. And the hyper activity of some of the kids, a very good Christmas!
I spent a couple hours on line looking at for any job postings or rentals that I might have missed, to no avail! I also looked for someplace in the area that might be hosting a free Christmas dinner, no luck there either. Just thought if we were in a positive atmosphere, surrounded by other people for Christmas it would be nice! I will keep looking, we still have a couple more days! I don't want us to be moping on Christmas day, if we are stuck here moping is what we will do. That will be a combination for anxiety, irritability and short tempers I am afraid!
Not a whole heck of a lot else, we are watching a day long marathon of Ghost Hunters! We saved doing the laundry until tomorrow so that we will have something to do!

Stalled!

Shawn and I managed to muster up the motivation to pick up his last prescription and then go purchase a few small items for the girls, for Christmas! Christmas will be nothing like we have celebrated before. However, we are  determined to make it merry just the same! We are back at the hotel eating a late lunch. It is tough to do much of anything thing this week. Most folks here and all the schools are on vacation! So while everyone is busying themselves with holiday plans. Hiring is stalled, renting is stalled and agencies that help folks in our situation are overwhelmed by meeting a ton of needs! I have a feeling that we have hit a complete stall until after the holidays, a little discouraging! The only positive to it, once  the holidays are over we should have all of Shawn' disability in place. That we are praying will make the renting part of our situation easier! A big prayer request right now; Kate Lynn has come to an impasse in her life. She just doesn't know what she wants to do and she is not all too happy here. My sister is offering to buy her a bus ticket back to New Hampshire. There Kate Lynn could stay with my sister and my sister would help her get on her feet and be independent. It is a HUGE decision!! And one only she can make!!

Misplaced Motivation!

Help! I have misplaced my motivation! As a matter  of fact I am still in my PJ's! Yes, I know that is not how you get anything done! I woke up with that "Ground Hog Day" feeling, you know where you repeat the same day over and over! Actually, I think we are all struggling with "motivation" Kate Lynn's biggest motivation was to use the coffee lid to make her breakfast in the microwave, instead of washing the dishes! Good Grief, I think I better clean this room, wash dishes and take a shower. So at least I can I say I did something!

Effective Prayer and Worry

Sometimes when I am looking fo an answer it comes and smacks me in the face...


Matthew 7:7 Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

Matthew 6:33 Seek the Kingdom of God * above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.  34 So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today!

(I think I get it! I need to keep asking, seeking and knocking and stop worrying! God will take care of EVERYTHING!   And if I forget...)

Proverbs 16:1 We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer.     9 We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.  20 Those who listen to instruction will prosper: those who trust the Lord will be joyful. ( and finally)  32 Better to be patient than powerful: better to have self-control than to conquer a city.

I don't really want to conquer a city, so maybe I will work on  my patience!

One less worry!

We went to City Drugs to have Shawn's prescriptions filled, they are being paid for by yet another generous agency! The pharmacist, having worked with this agency before filled Shawn's prescriptions for 3 months! That is HUGE! It as also one less worry! Having received a Christmas gift today, we were able to treat the girls to lunch at the Mall courtyard. We had a Delicious Chinese lunch! We chose the place by the line!! The Good; the food was delicious and the price unbelievably inexpensive! The Bad; the service (all though if you have a demented sense of humor like I do, it was little funny!) you order by telling the size of your meal; small, medium or large and then you choose your meat. This is were it gets bad/funny, take too long or make the mistake at pointing at something, the little old Asian lady behind the counter stabs the meat with a skewer and nearly shoves it up your nose, so you can taste it, make your choice and then get a MOVE ON! It was very enjoyable over all! After the Mall we went to Walmart, I pause to tell you I do NOT enjoy these stores on most days and even less at Christmas! While at Walmart we found utensils 4-$1, so we got some forks, spoons and knives! For everyone who thinks that if they switched to all paper goods their lives would be easier, wrong! We have melted or snapped more plastic ware while trying to eat! Using real utensils is going to be quite lovely!! And we bought pancake mix, yay!!! Having the electric skillet means we can still have a real Christmas breakfast!
It has been a busy day, all the errands that we needed to do where all on opposite sides of town! Lots of driving! Kate Lynn woke up on the grouchy side of the bed, a problem she has often! So she made sure that even when were doing what we could to make the day enjoyable that is was unbearable! Despite being reminded that she had a choice to come with us or not and that she still has the choice of working, Job Corp or College, she is convinced we set out to make her life miserable! Truthfully, a few times today I wish I had the money to stick her on a bus and send her to my sister's! I love her and Kelly! This is allot and it has been difficult! I understand frustration and even anger, but.... Boy, do we all need our own space and some privacy! We are in each other's space at all times! Even as close as we are as a family, this situation really enables us to get on one another's nerves very quickly! We are back at the hotel, trying to relax and unwind!

Monkey Toes!

With no real schedule we have all been staying up too late and sleeping in in the morning. Not 'till noon or anything! But late enough! It is going to take a little extra coffee this morning! We are all so used to following some sort of routine, now we are going a little crazy without one! Kate Lynn has for a very long time gotten up, eaten her breakfast and then gone for a walk. She is unable to take her walks and trust me we all know it! Kelly had her Boyfriend Cody over all the time, well you can imagine how well that is going! Shawn and I really like Cody and we miss him too! And I can't believe it, but I miss working! I created a new resume yesterday and sent a couple out. The other thing we all struggle with is we eat breakfast,lunch and dinner in bed! We watch TV in bed! We use the PC in bed! No we aren't all hunkered down, but there is no getting comfortable after a while! We end up arguing over the 2 chairs in the room, 1 being a wheelie office chair!
Now before everyone thinks my blogging is perhaps becoming too whiny, I'm not complaining! I'm just describing our living situation and our attempts at bettering it! And trust me I'm getting a whole lot worried!! Kate Lynn is falling in love with the highlighter yellow color of the walls! She has asked a couple times if we could use the color in our place! And after having a gym, pool, hot tub and ice machine just down the hall...just saying! Of course there is the waffle maker in the lobby that Kelly love! Last night everyone grew bored of the TV and we spent nearly 20 minutes seeing who could most spread their toes, like a monkey!! I think we are going just a little stir crazy!!WE NEED A HOUSE QUICK!!!

Not much going on !

Just your typical lazy day! Being grounded for the day, not much to do! We all spent time in the hot tub and taking walks, lots of PC and TV time! Not much else! Enjoyed actually cooking dinner tonight and everyone loved food that was fresh and hot! No frozen, microwave food tonight! Tomorrow is looking to be a busy day, making up for today maybe?!  Man, we are boring!!

There is always plan B !

Like I said in the morning post, we only had a plan but as usual we are on God's whim! And we are being directed by a very real gauge....the gas gauge! We did get to the Post Office! There is no issue with the mail, the problem was the mail we were expecting had not been sent as stated! I am not even going there, I have all ready ranted and raved! On the way to bringing the girls over to the mall my phone rang. A member of the Congregational church felt moved by our families story and gave us a Walmart gift card. So back to the hotel, No mall! Then to Walmart, where we bought the next best invention you can cook with safely in a hotel room,an electric skillet!! Yay, we are having turkey cheese burgers for dinner tonight! The skillet will actually do 2 things, save us money on groceries and allow us to cook more nutritiously! Visions of pork chops and stir Fry's dance in our head!!
 We have Shawn's prescriptions figured out for pick up tomorrow as well a Clinic I can go for a refill. Not a wasted morning, just not the way we had planned! Now we are back to hanging out at the hotel, lunch is cup of soup made with the coffee pot! There is always a reason for delays even if we don't know what they are!

Does it Feel like Monday?

Not having a "normal" routine often the days just blend together! Does it feel like Monday? I don't know! I know I woke up with a knot in my stomach and a feeling of expectation. Maybe it was just last night's pasta?! What does our Monday look like? Well I can tell you what we have planned after that it is on God's whim! We are off to see if we can sort out the mail issue, then we have to pick up Shawn's prescription, at one point we have to take the girls by the mall (they want to use up their bath and body gift cards! We have the best smelling homeless kids ever!!) and I have to find a free clinic so that I can have  my prescription refilled. Yep, I have a prescription too! Can you believe I have anxiety, really! Just the kind of anxiety that on most days a little quiet music, a hot soak in the tub with a good book and some chocolate would cure! Not quite like the days we have been having! These kind of days are the kind of days anxiety takes a back seat while all the commotion and crisis of the day piles on you and then at night when I finally get to sleep, anxiety comes in and kicks my butt, giving me awful nightmares and wakes me up with a rapid pulse, the feelings of wanting to faint and flee (yep, usually at the same time, fainting and fleeing aren't something to be done at the same time!!) and at times it can feel like I may certainly die! I realize that is a little dramatic, but that is a panic attack for you! Thankfully I get these very far and few between!!  My biggest issue with anxiety is myself! I take on too much and then try to convince myself and everyone else I have it in control! For everyone saying, Yes we know! That comment wasn't a poll question! So any how, that is what our Monday looks like right now! We haven't stepped a foot outside the door yet, out there it may look different! Happy Monday!

Polar Bear Pail of Pasta!

Frozen microwave meals will most likely never be our favorite way to dine! However, I have discovered on line how to microwave pasta! Now having said that, remember the instruction used items and conveniences you have at home, not in a hotel room! We do not have a colander or Even a bowl that big! So give me a minute to tell you the story!
Earlier when Shawn and I went for our walk, we came across $2 in a parking lot! We decided then to use it to purchase some Ibuprofen, have to manage the stress headaches! Any ways it nears the time I start thinking about dinner and I really want spaghetti and meatballs! We had a package of turkey meatballs in the fridge, fresh not frozen! Yes, they were precooked but whatever! We had been given a pound of spaghetti and a gigantic jar of sauce!! I find out how to cook pasta in the microwave online. Kate Lynn and I head out to the Dollar Tree to purchase a bowl and Ibuprofen! Only they do not have a bowl, so we buy a Christmas pail! Figured the handle would be great for moving it when it was hot and the lid would enable me to drain the water! Again we have no colander! The instructions also called for using boiling water, not wanting to take the time to boil the water in the microwave and then cook the pasta (wouldn't it have just made sense to cook it on the stove!) This is what I did...
Make sure the coffee pot is full  (it's a single serve!)
break pasta in half into Christmas pail (it's blue with dancing Polar Bears, so Pasta in a Polar Bear Pail!)
place pail under the dripper on the coffee maker, press button for large mug (repeat 3 X's)
make sure pasta is covered with water
microwave for 6  minutes, stir with fork every 2 minutes
you will have to replace the fork every couple of minutes if you use a plastic one!!!
pull the pail out by the handle, using a hand towel hold the lid on and drain
add sauce, mix well
add meatballs and additional sauce
cook for additional 2 minutes, it will be a little starchy! But, otherwise pretty tasty!
Serve with presliced Italian bread, no margarine, the fridge is too small to store it!
Now, please I know how tempted you all are to try this, remember I started this first, patent pending! We found a couple candles in our Christmas decorations, so we lit them placed them safely by the tree. Dinner by  candle light!

It's looking abit like Christmas!

Shawn and I did take a stroll, it is sunny and in the 50's. Nice day! It was nice to get out of the room! We found a lovely pine tree on an empty lot along the way, so on our way back to the room we stopped and trimmed a fluffy branch! Once we got it back to the room and situated it in the ice bucket it seemed a little lonely! Kate Lynn went back out and found some more branches! Before putting the branches in the bucket, I placed our ceramic advent wreath on top. The wreath is adorned with children from around the world and the words of advent are engraved on it; Love, Hope, Joy and Peace. We have hope facing out!We dug through our Christmas ornaments and found the smallest ones, including our teeny Christmas pickle and a tiny star!To finish the look we placed a scarf around the base of the ice bucket and a large ornament depicting the wise men! It looks fairly pretty!  I can't say the Christmas feeling is warmly felt here, but we are making every attempt to keep Christmas alive here! As a parent I can not tell you quite how it feels knowing I am unable to give the girls presents this year! The girls are trying to be understanding, all the comments that if they had a home for Christmas make my heart very sad! I am doubtful we will be even giving them that! I am very thankful that they are not real young and still believe in Santa Claus! There will be no focus on the material aspect of the Holiday,it will be more a day of prayer and reflection! Not even a large holiday meal! OK enough of the gloom! It does look a little more like Christmas!
(I will down load photos when I can!)

Good morning!

Actually, my morning started around 2am! I have lived with migraine headaches since I was little and trust me when I say the stress doesn't help me control them. Usually I know when I am getting one and can take something before it gets too bad, but we didn't have a single Tylenol or Ibuprofen anywhere! By 2:45am I was scrounging up nickels, dimes and pennies to go to the gas station to buy travel packets of Excedrin! $1.42 for 4 pills!!Kate Lynn has not been sleeping so she tagged along for the 3am ride! As we got to the truck, I noticed the parking lot was quite full. Our hotel has a Waffle House right next to it (like Denny's, I think) and there was a line! Who knew at 3am you would have a line at the Waffle House? And who is up eating at that time any how, apparently allot of people! This morning we do not have anything planned. We have very little gas in the truck, so unless I have a job interview or there is a Doctor's appointment we have to stay put! I am disappointed that we were unable to make it too church though! The big project of the day will not to go stir crazy and get into each other's hair! The hotel's pool and hot tub have been green for 2 days! And unfortunately for the girls, we have a large group of traveling construction workers staying here. After they arrive back to the hotel, a few of them get pretty drunk and have made some inappropriate comments to the girls! So, the girls are unable to even go to the gym unless we know these guys aren't there! We may go for a walk later as a family, no solo walks here! Maybe we will find a pine branch we can drag back, throw it in the ice bucket, put a few ornaments on it (ours are in that truck somewhere!) and call it Christmas! Our very own Charlie Brown Christmas!

Sure cure for the crankies!

A sure cure for the crankies, A Charles Schultz Christmas program, I want a dog for Christmas! We have just finished dinner and are watching some funny programs, maybe a Little comedy in this room will help some! I think the weekends are the toughest for us! During these two days there are very few things we can follow up on, most everything is Monday through Friday sort of things. So I think we feel truly displaced on the weekends.
I decided to open my Bible and see what called out to me;
Philippians 4:4 Always be full in the joy of the Lord. I say it again-Rejoice!      6-Don't worry about anything;instead pray about everything. Tell God what it you need and thank him for all he has done.    7-Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Jesus Christ.
Now that will cure the crankies!

Chilling out!

OK, I got myself all worked up! I am calming down some. I took the whole thing with that woman not calling and then not showing up as the ultimate show of disrespect! We really liked the house and I do understand hers and everyone Else's hesitation. It doesn't make us feel any better though! The mail situation may be worked out. Shawn's Uncle called Shawn and told him to go the Post Office (told him which one) and explain that only their mail was supposed to be stopped, not ours. That is how his Uncle arranged it to begin with, the Post office clearly made the mistake! We will follow up with that on Monday! I have a huge respect issue! And there are just too many "what ifs" and "waiting  fors "for me to be very happy! I just want for us to be in a house all ready! I got my stupid hopes up on that house!And for everyone who would like to tell me I told you so, please don't I'm stressed and cranky! If you were in our place you would want a break too! We have looked at dozens of houses, enough is enough all ready! I have applied for so many jobs I have lost track, would some one please call me all ready! Shawn thinks I expect too much from some of the agency. No just a couple, and those are the ones that my tax dollars have gone into to support others! I think I need a god night sleep!

No show

We went and looked at a house we all really wanted. And the landlord pull a no show. Who the hell wants to rent to us!! NO ONE!!! Unless we can show Shawn's disabilty and that I have a job we are not going to be able to get a place! And to make it even more complicated, Shawn's Uncle cancelled mail service until they come back some time in January!!!! Guess what we are........

Good grief!

To my faithful followers! I promise to preview all postings before posting them! To read the difference on the posting explaining our different homeless situations, all the disjointed words starting on the left indicates Montgomery! I get thinking and forget to slow down so that I make sense!! :)

oops error! Correction to last post ***

I am typing in the dark and my brain is often many steps before my fingers. In the last post I forgot a very, very important word...NOT! In the sentence "We are homeless because.... NOT because Shawn was sick!! Just because of the situation we were in!! I truly hope before someone becomes too upset over that last post they will read this correction!!!

Our homeless experiences, differences and similarities

As most of you are aware, this is our second time being homeless! Trust me I am aware how incredible that sounds too! And for many, you might be thinking how in the heck do you end  up homeless once, let alone twice?!First of all we never set out to be in this situation, no one ever does. In fact prior to each situation plans were set up and discussed for bettering what ever was driving us to move. But, you all know what they say about the best plans! With the both situations the most glaring similarity is that each move came after Shawn was hospitalized due to serious symptoms  of his Major Depressive and Bipolar disorder. If anyone thinks that he is to blame, you are wrong! I do not blame him! However, with his type of illness there are often behaviours that precipitate other events before things become so serious and he needs to be hospitalized!Often these prescipitators have created some negative impacts in a lot of areas in all of our lives. There are often consequences beyond our control and these become the factors that put us a point that we need to make some radical choices! Now I completely understand that is pretty vague, understand that some of these prescipitators are very personal! The most obvious precipitating event would be  that when Shawn is most struggling with his illness, he is unable to work.  Again I am not blaming him, that would be foolishness! And for those thinking "Sandy, why not just stay put and figure out to help him where you were?". I have just one simple response, if you have never lived with someone living with Mental illness you will never understand! Shawn is an incredible, caring, loving and doting husband and father. Most of the time, unless you know him well,people are not aware he lives with mental illness. We were/are homeless because Shawn became sick, the situations we were/are in were not conducive to his health and well being, situations created needed drastic undoing and even after careful planning things fell/fall apart! We will do anything to better our situation and try and create the best atmosphere for our family, even if it means taking risks that many wouldn't consider. Such as completely uprooting ourselves! We always put our trust in God to guide us to the best decision and try to follow it by our faith!
Similarities;
assistance is limited
without a proper address it is difficult to get work
there amazing people willing to help
our faith and prayer keeps/kept us strong

Differences;
New Hampshire                                                                  Montgomery
We lived in a tent                                                     We have stayed with family and at hotels
It was during the summer                                         It was in the winter, during the Holidays
I had a job                                                                    No job
we were surrounded by family                                      No family
we knew the area                                                      Shawn only vaguely remembers the area
I was a member of a church                                      been to 1 church once
most landlords were closed minded about                   No disability discrimination, so far!
renting to us because of Shawn's unseen disability
(most needed to see the infirmity to believe it!)

The biggest similarity between each occasion and the one I struggle to find adequate words for! As a family unit we are stronger! As individuals we are stronger! And even more importantly we would not have been/be able to have cope(d) without all the love and support of our family and friends! We understand the stress and worry that our situation(s) have caused for them. I just hope that when they see the positive outcome, it erases all their doubt and worry!
The first time we were homeless it was nearly 9 years ago. Who would have ever guessed we would be doing it again? You vow to yourself, No not ever again! We have a choice, to acknowledge it, work through it and come to a place where we are stronger and wise  and acknowledge that faith brought us here and will see us through or we can crumble and fall apart! We choose  to conquer! We reminded the girls just the other day, someday this will be just a distant memory! A story of how we struggled in hardship and then persevered! And even in the most difficult situation, you need to find a reason to laugh!

A typical family night!

After deciding to just hunker down for the weekend, everyone relaxed fairly quickly! Just the idea of not running around all day, everyday makes for a happier family! Tonight we had a lovely laundry folding party! The girls decided to take advantage of us being in one place until the 27th by putting their clothes away in the dresser!  We have thoroughly organized our little room! We even have hung a couple Christmas stockings and set out the little ceramic church with a candle in it, Kelly had found it for me before we left North Conway! Tonight we will be settling in to watch Horton hears a Who, with hot chocolate and microwave popcorn! Now I have discussed our microwave culinary experience in short before, but let me tell you I have gotten pretty good at this microwave cooking thing! If you time things just right you can actually eat a hot meal! Portions are important!! I have figured out that is I cook for the girls first, while they are eating I can cook Shawn and my meal. We eat the same thing usually, to keep the family dinner time as typical as possible! Allow me to describe tonight's dinner for you...
Balsamic Rosemary pork roast, by Hormel-found in your meat section all ready cooked, always check the date!
Minute Rice microwave single serve rice pilaf-Not quite like cook top, but good!
Canned peas-canned works better with timing! We are usually frozen veggie eaters, however frozen takes too long and screws up the whole timing of the meal!
For dessert we always try to have fruit. Quick side story. We had some apples (2 types) and tangerines as well as some dark chocolate. I have been feeling pretty bad for house keeping. There are 4 of us basically living here, we clean up but are always looking for clean towels  (think 2 teenage girls!) and coffee. Any ways, feeling bad for housekeeping and not being able to leave a monetary tip, I left a note for them to take some fruit and chocolates, they did...all of it! :) LOL! But because tonight seemed like we needed it, I bought some of those single serve Ben and Jerry's ice cream cups! Fudge brownie sundaes!
So maybe or night isn't so different than that of some of you!
Well, Horton hears a Who will be on in just a few minutes, so I have to go!

Discouragment and Hope

When we got to the first place we were looking at renting, it was discovered she forgot the keys! Looks like a very nice place in the windows and the yard is quite nice! Very nice and well established neighborhood. The woman was about the same age as I am and was nice enough. We told her it would be OK to reschedule to take a look inside. Then I just took the plunge and told her about our situation, telling her to talk it over with her husband and decide if they really want to show us the place. We are scheduled to look at it tomorrow at 1pm unless she calls and says other wise! Right now we are still at the Ramada and will be here until the 27th! The Social Security office called about Shawn's benefits and we were told that we may see a check as early as the 24th! On the other hand I was also told that the Rapid rehousing agency that we are working with are anything but RAPID! Well it certainly looks like Christmas will be here at the hotel! Whatever that looks like! If Shawn receives his check before Christmas, that will be a miracle! If I receive the cash benefits on the 30th well maybe we just might be able to get into a house before the New Year!?! Only God knows for sure what we will be doing and when all these things will fall into place! Shawn and I feel we have looked at every rental and that I have applied at every help wanted there is for now. This weekend we may just hang tight at the hotel! Our beast of a Suburban sucks up gas like no tomorrow and because of the amount of driving we do on any given day, sooner or later we will be hoofing it all over Montgomery! So, besides meeting with those folks to look at the rental, Doctor's appointments or maybe a job interview, it makes sense to stay put! The only other things we did today were laundry (Thank you Jen!) and we had a ton of it! and I looked into a Catholic service that may assist us in paying for Shawn's prescriptions! That is extraordinarily important! Last we need on top of everything else is him getting sick! Good grief at that point I think I would end up in the hospital with him! We continue to love one and another and all 4 of us are trying to be supportive of one another! Trust me at this point, tempers are short! One other concern we have, our older cat is really struggling with being stuck in the car! Some hard choices may have to be made! Funny thing is our younger cat (the black and white one in the photo on the home page) is doing just fine! We spend lots of time with them, trust me you spend as many hours as we do in that truck and  the cats have lots of companionship! Well, I guess that is it for now! It's enough!

Discouragment starts the day!

So lately the typical day has us in one place for 2 days and then we are repacking the truck to hanging out. Today we will repack the truck and head over to look at a place for rent at 11am. Then at one Point I think we will connect with Beth to see were we might be landing tonight. We then see another place for rent at 1pm. Today my hope and prayer is that I will receive a call about a job and my bigger prayer is that at the first place for rent, that the owner will be moved and his heart softened that he will allow us to move in! Every time I say that my heart is filled with trepidation!Some discouraging words form Beth this morning,as I write this she called. There is no room in any of the extended stay hotels. The agency is paying for another week here, then it is off to the shelter.Now there is nothing wrong with us staying put, however, microwave meals use up food stamps much quicker than anything else! Compare prices of prepackaged food to fresh and fresh food is much cheaper! She doesn't believe that we are going to be able to convince any landlord to rent to us until we can show finances. And in reality that puts us off renting until the beginning of February! I can not even how concerned or discouraged that makes me feel. Another shot in the dark, there is another Baptist church here that has a town house, Beth is hoping that they might be persuaded to let us use it until we get settled somewhere, she didn't sound hopeful! One huge issue we are having is that most people are getting ready for Christmas and simply do not have the time or want to make the time to deal with us. What employer wants to do interviewing when they are coping with a busy holiday season? What landlord wants to chance renting to someone with out an income right away,  they have just spent oodles on their Christmas and they need income coming in? While everyone is focused on their Christmas we have to stay focused on bettering our situation. There will be no Christmas for us!  On Christmas eve while most folks are finishing Holiday prep and shopping, maybe traveling we most likely will be settling into a shelter! Today Beth asked if Montgomery was really the place we wanted to be? What can I say? We have invested so much into this whole thing and have all ready gone through the steps to get Kelly into school what else could we consider? This morning I am feeling very disheartened! You can see how discouraged we are all getting, the girls are fighting more, Kate Lynn's temper is flaring and Shawn would sell a kidney to get cigarettes! I am not without my faults, but I try to have just 1 bad day a week and then just push forward! What else can I do? Well I guess I need to go see what today has in store!

A little more of the same!

We met with someone this afternoon that will help us get Kelly enrolled in school. Believe it or not, not all cities or towns allow children to register without an address, they will be glad to call social services and have them take your kids away, but they won't work with you! Thankfully here that is not the case. And not only did she help us with getting all that we need to enroll Kelly, she also gave us a gift certificate for Kelly's uniforms! Thank God for that, it cost over $91 for 3 uniforms! Kelly was also given a brand new back pack with items schools here require! Now that we have done all that, Kelly doesn't start until January 4th! Montgomery takes a 2 week Christmas vacation and it starts tomorrow afternoon! Oh well, at least the leg work is done! We then spent time scouring even more areas for rentals. We have 2 appointments to look at places tomorrow. (Please, Lord let one of them be home!) Not a whole lot on the agenda! We have looked at so many rentals and I have filled out SO many job applications, that it is a wait and see. This weekend I will look for more places to apply for work. If I could just get someone to interview me, decide they can't live without me and hire me, rentals would be so much easier! We are also hoping that the HPRP agency case manager will call us tomorrow, I may not wait and call her. That agency stands for Rapid housing Replacement or something like that, that is the agency that may help us with 1st month rent and the security deposit. See, if one of the landlords we meet with are OK with our situation and agree to work with us, trusts us and allows the HPRP to assist us, we can move into a place RIGHT AWAY! Man oh man Christmas is just 9 days away, and I haven't given up on a Christmas miracle. And for anyone who thinks I am putting God a time limit, I AM NO FOOL! It says I can go to him about anything, it doesn't say he will agree with it! Just praying just maybe our wish is His as well! So I guess it's just a little more of the same!

Let me explain

I have heard a lot of questions about why we have not find shelter. Let me try to explain the obstacles we are facing. Most shelters are geared to single men or women, usually with substance abuse or mental health issues (untreated), there are shelters for unwed moms from bad domestic situations and there are even family shelters. However, to live in a family shelter BOTH adults need to be healthy and capable of working full time! Seriously! There is NO shelter for families who may have an adult who has mental illness, even well treated! Think about this, when you think of homeless people and then think of our family, do we seem to meet your criteria of "homeless". And then there is the interesting equation that Shawn and I are married and YES the girls are both of ours! It is a sad state of our country to have more benefits for single, unwed mothers. I am quite truthfully and deeply sad to tell you that if we left Shawn untreated, encouraged him to give me a couple good whacks (Only once would he, then I would kick his butt!) and I could prove at least 1 of the girls wasn't his and then Shawn left us the system would "award" us more benefits! Even worse, and yes, I am completely aware how awful this sounds and wish I didn't  have to say it, if we were not Citizens of our country housing would be more readily available and financed! Throw in a substance abuse issue and we would be all set. See our situation confuses the system! Because simply put, we should all ready be working and have a house, that's it, all there is too it! Make any sense? It is just the truth of the matter! As the questions about churches, well there are some great and helpful churches. But I think too many people have taken advantage and so now churches aren't as willing to help out as much or at all. And to make matters worse most town funds are small and often used up very quickly by those first in line Even in large cities, the State doesn't give enough finances to cities to properly aid people in need. Think about how many times we have complained that school programs have been cut, property taxes have gone up, yet the Town just built a bigger city hall.When money is cut from State or City it is always at the bottom. And trust me, homeless issues are bottom! They say all the right things on TV, exspecially at this time of year, but it is all window dressing! When you are homeless you have to dig deep and often in unusual places to find help! I don't care what State you live in! If we were homeless in New Hampshire, let me just tell you that the options are even LESS! Trust me, we have been homeless before (just a reminder!) and it was in New Hampshire. In smaller towns it is a whole lot worse, because the attitude is that there are NO homless in  "their community". I actually know for fact that many small towns will have the police ship people they know are homeless to the town line. That way they will be the other town's problem! Well, I hope that this has shed some light on some of the questions you may have. If anything else maybe I can educate in a positive way the issues of homlessness and along the ways, how not to be homeless!

It's been a day!!

If there was a day I just wanted to throw in the towel, today would be it!! From the onset the day started out just wrong! If it were not for Beth at Family Promise and her very kind help, I think I would have just sat in the truck, in some parking lot and just cried! First there was no money on our EBT card, then the landlord we had been talking with and whom seemed so agreeable backed out,  if it couldn't get more crappy the Salvation Army wouldn't agree to let us stay at their shelter! Beth directed us to another agency that might assist us with 1st month rent and the security deposit, so I am re looking at every single rental that we have looked at all over again!! Maybe, just maybe someone will give us break and give us a shot! Let's face it, when a prospective renter says they have no income yet, that is not the first person you want to rent to! We are hoping and praying for that 1 landlord who will agree to trust that Shawn's disability will be in and that I will be working by the time our next months rent is due! I will say every single time I think that for sure we will be sleeping in the truck, God provides us with someplace! Even when we are being very grumpy! My faith is still strong, God knows I can be impatient and can get grouchy! Good thing he looks past it, forgives me and provides for all of us despite my stinky attitude! And for everyone who believes that there simply has to be shelters readily available for homeless families, there are NOT! And for those who believe we have more options than those we have said, there are NONE! And if you believe that we could have found a better way to deal with this or improve our situation, you are WRONG! And worse yet, for those who think it would be better if we separate our family, and the girls and I try one thing and Shawn another, that will NEVER happen! Please, before you decide to judge us, let me remind you that unless you walk a mile in our shoes you will never completely understand. No one ever chooses this, it happens and it can happen to anyone!!Tonight we are back at the Ramada, courtesy of Family Promise and perhaps on Friday we may be at an extended stay hotel for a week.Tomorrow we enroll Kelly into high school,yay! And we just keep plugging away at rentals and job applications! Please, keep praying!

Giving up!

I have worked since I was 13 years old, now when I need help I am unable to get it! Today there were no monies in the EBT account! Even if it comes in on the 30th, it's too late! We will be living at a shelter or out of the truck!It doesn't look like we are getting our Christmas miracle, guess Santa isn't the only one who is mad at me. Guess I made the naughty list all  over! I do not even know what to do any more! I thought I have been doing everything! Today I don't want to do anything!! We are really in trouble and it simply doesn't matter! I just don't care! What the hell was I thinking? I have 2 kids and we are homeless! I am a fool!

Some progress, some hoping, lots of worry...

With trepidation we all dredged off to the meeting we had this afternoon. It was with this lovely woman Beth Ann at a wonderful organization called Family Promise. She was able to help by showing us options we missed, discussed shelter options, offered different job seeking ideas,showed us how to go about getting Kelly in school while we are still homeless and even made some great suggestions for Kate Lynn perhaps going to college! At the end of the meeting she had us follow her to a gas station so that she could put gas into the truck. With out the truck we would be in very big trouble! It is how we make all these appointments, look for work and housing and more importantly...keep the cats! So that was our progress and our ray of hope. Our worry is that tomorrow the money from the benefits will NOT be in there! With that money we are so hoping that we will be able to make the arrangements to move into the house we are looking at. Through family promise we would even have furniture by tomorrow evening. It has been such a struggle, I can not even put myself into the place thinking we could be into our own place by tomorrow night! That would be our Christmas Present! If it doesn't happen, well then we are looking at staying at the Salvation Army Shelter. My heart breaks at the thought of being in a shelter at Christmas! We continue to pray as a family, hard! I have to be truthful and say that every one's patience is wearing thin and this situation is making us pessimistic and grouchy! Tomorrow we have to be up very early, pack the truck (AGAIN!) and head off to aDoctor's appointment for Shawn and if God so allows maybe, just maybe we will be moving into our new house!  Just 3 days before Thanksgiving we walked away from it all to try and start a new life for our family, how awesome would it be to be celebrating Christmas in a place of our own, starting that new life we set out for?!

A day of waiting!

We all slept in this morning! I believed we truly needed it! Today we have run out of options other than waiting! This afternoon we have an appointment to meet with an agency that might be able to discuss shelter options. Not an appointment I looked forward to! The normal shelter here in Alabama shelters single men or women, the Salvation shelters families on a first come first basis and the first week is free after that it is $6o a week and the Family Promise Agency helps only if everyone is healthy and capable of working full time because of Shawn's mental illness we do not qualify! However the lady in charge of Family Promise is extremely kind and has agreed to meet with us to see if we have tried everything that might be available to us! After the appointment we will be hanging at the hotel, I am actually looking forward to a down day! Tomorrow we have to be up very early to meet with a Social Security recommended Doctor for Shawn.Another huge thing  about tomorrow,on the 15th and the 30th of every month is when the financial benefits are available. I applied for these benefits on October 1st and as of yesterday I understand everything is finally all in place! Our prayer is that the benefits will be active immediately! If they hold these benefits until even the 30th of this month we will be in very real trouble! I have no idea how much to even expect if we are eligible. That question weighs heavy on my mind and heart.... will we receive these monies tomorrow? Will we receive enough to put  a down payment on the house we looked at? Will we make just enough to put gas in the car and nothing else? The waiting is usually worse than anything! And I am not a patient waiter! I am going to try and just give it all to God and try even harder not to second guess what will happen tomorrow!  So I guess it's just a day of waiting!

A day in the life of us!

You would think that when you are homeless that you simply have NOTHING to do! In actuality we are very, very busy! We are usually up and out by 8:30am the latest. There are rentals to be looked at, job applications filled out, benefits to follow up on, there is lunch time at Walmart and it is usually there that we make and wait on lots of follow up phone calls! By the time we are actually ready to call it quits it is after dinner time! Trust me, this isn't a rambling complaint just a statement! On most afternoons we are re looking at our "stuff" and reconsidering if we really need an item. We have sold allot! That generally keeps gas in the car! We do lots and lots of driving on any given day! At night when we are at a motel (we figure out what is most edible in the frozen food aisle) we microwave some dinner, I spend an additional hour or so filling out additional job applications online, we watch some TV, spend some time on the PC and more often than not the girls and I play cards. When we have had the blessed fortunate to be staying with family we have enjoyed many wonderful home cooked meals!! I think that is one of the biggest things we are looking forward to when we get a place, home cooked meals! Trust me we have gotten very good at eating well in the car or at the hotel!! All though our tolerance for cheese and crackers has worn thin!! It is the easiest, fairly healthy and most portable snack! Thankfully Walmart has great salad kits, fruit, chocolate milk and juice, all covered by food stamps! We do splurge once and a while and pick up some cookies and chocolate snacks, we are traveling with 2 teenage girls!! Chocolate keeps the chaos to a minimum in the truck!! The only big draw back to our "picnics" in the truck would be our younger cat Trick. (our older cat Bear continues to hide under the seats!) Trick likes to come check out what we are all eating! Even if she doesn't get a taste, we have to deal with the cat fur! (Maybe we could shave them!?) I can not say much about the frozen meals, some have been OK and fruit, bread (and again!) cheese often rounds it off! The only other drawback to our, um.."lifestyle" is the lack of privacy! There is NONE for NO ONE! We are in the truck ALL day together, then we all share a room together! It is very fair to say at times we really get on one an other's nerves! I am very great full we are a close family or this whole thing might be truly unbearable! The girls have gotten pretty itchy with one another on some occasions, can not say I really blame them!  As I am typing this the 2 of them are all ready fighting over the amount of bed space they each get! These are the important things now! We find something to laugh about each and everyday, our sense of humors has definitely been our biggest asset! Everyday we learn more and more about the ins and outs of Montgomery! Prayer and our faith is the center of lives, it has to be! It is still my prayer that for Christmas we will have a place to call home! And that is a day in the life of us! :)

Trying hard to be "normal" !

This morning we packed up the truck, again! Shawn's Aunt and Uncle are off to Texas so we are on the Grace of God again! We decided to go to church this morning. I found a Baptist church on line that looked good. We  really enjoyed the special Christmas musical  service!! We were greeted very warmly by quite a few people. One of them must have been a Deacon and he asked us a little bit about us. We are not lying to anyone about our situation. He made the Missions Minister aware of our situation and they are praying for us! The Pastor asked us back to his office to discuss our situation a little bit further and was helpful in giving us a couple of numbers for assistance to call tomorrow. It was very, very kind! After church we went to a local mall, the girl's had been each given a gift card by Shawn's Aunt and Uncle for Christmas and were anxious to do a little shopping! Shawn and I sat and did some people watching! I figured the girls would be glad to be doing some normal teenage things, but they were back to where we were sitting in no time! They carefully chose items off the clearance and sales racks to stretch out their $20  cards. Neither spent all of it, they wanted to save some so they would have some more to spend when they go back! For a minute or two we appeared to be a normal family! Unless you looked to close as we sat in our truck eating salads and food we had bought at Walmart, using our EBT card. And a little stranger is the cats running all about the truck! Tonight was much too cold to sleep in the truck, in the 30's!!, so we broke down and used up most of our saved cash to get a room. This time we chose a place that we would not have to worry about fighting and prostitution. Tonight we are trying to relax and regroup. We will spend some time watching TV, like we have always done as a family on Sundays. Tomorrow we will see what God has planned for us! Tonight when you all get ready to settle in for the night, stop and thank the Lord for all that you have!

Nothing to lose!

If anyone feels it on their hearts and led by God This is the information of the place we were trying to stay at;
In Town Suites 3670 Richard Road Montgomery, AL (334) 280-2120
 After tonight I will have difficulty accessing a computer, we will only be able to be reached by cell phone. If you do not have it, you better email or facebook me or Shawn TONIGHT!

Editing

I have posted some pictures on my blog sight. Scroll through to see them! I am still figuring this whole thing out!
Just to update you as to what we are up to; Today we drove all over looking for more rentals, nothing! That's OK, we really liked the house I mentioned on my last posting! We found no other ways to raise the money we need to move into the extended stay Inn for the week next week! Our spirits are very low tonight! Tonight we will try to enjoy our last night with Shawn's Aunt and Uncle! Tomorrow I  guess we will use the money we were saving to stay at the Inn and go buy some blankets, lots of blankets! We are going to need them, looks like we will be sleeping in the truck! Our hope and  prayer is that it will be only until Wednesday, and that then we will have finally received the financial benefits that I applied for on October 1st! 3 nights in the truck does not sound like it is going to be a whole lot of fun!! And to only to add to the upset, we have to move around parking lot to parking lot! What joy it will be, us all bundled up in the truck watching folks going about their Christmas shopping around us! I know I sound like a Grinch and/or a Scrooge!! I better pray God grants some joy into my heart!

Faith and Foolishness!

Today it really became apparent to me that many people do not understand the meaning of faith! Faith is trusting in something that you can not see! You can not see what the outcome is, you sometimes do not even understand the process. God wants us to trust him completely, to have complete FAITH in Him and His plan for us! YES He can and YES He will make changes for those who have faith! Also, there are some who think that we are claiming faith as an excuse for our being here in Alabama. I think these people think we are acting foolishly and irresponsibly. I am not asking for anyone to completely understand our choice to be here. I do not even expect everyone to completely support us! I do hope that everyone will understand that the things we ARE doing, every action, every decision we make ,comes after much discussion and prayer! That as a family unit we are all together in our decision to be here. NO it has not been easy, actually in honesty it has been harder than we expected! I also hope that everyone understands that we have NOT run away from anything! We have gone in search of finding a better way of life for our family! It may not work for most people, we are ,I guess ,not most people! Who am I to suggest that this kind of move would work for everyone, please do not tell us that this will not work for us. Let us give it a try first! We are acting in our faith! I suppose for many that we seem quite foolish! I ask why? I hear often from others that they are frustrated with the way things are going in their lives. As people we tend to continue to go at it and at it over and over again. We become consumed! Why can we not make big and drastic changes in our lives? Why are we considered foolish in taking such a drastic step to try and improve our lives? But, we are not considered foolish to consume ourselves over and over with things that are clearly not working and even may causing much grief in our lives? Today we looked at a house, we all left there saying that the house felt like home. I have faith that if God can move mountains that He certianly can make it happen for us to get that house! I know that it will NOT happen  the way I want it too or the way I expect it too. I also know that often God wants us to try very hard to be proactive in our lives. I have to work at making things happen too! That is what we are doing or at the very least trying very hard to do! Today Shawn, the girls and I discussed our options. We decided as a family to pawn our t.v. in an attempt to raise the monies we needed to move into the extended stay Inn we looked at. We fell short by $112, God still has a plan and I still have faith in it! Shawn's Aunt and Uncle are letting us stay here another night or  two, so I have to ask myself (we ask each other) what can we do for ourselves to find that money? Because if we could stay at that Inn for a week, that week allows us more time to find ways to become more financial stable and becoming more stable moves us one more step closer into moving into a house! And while people will be nay sayers about our choices, I challenge them! When they are complaining that their life is not going well and things are not they way they want them, how can they change them? Really change them? We are homeless at Christmas time! Our choices have gotten us here, our faith will get us to where we are supposed to be! One last thought! It is Christmas time, I repeat it is Christmas time! The season of celebrating the birth of Lord and Saviour! In my faith and obedience I celebrate Him! When you want to judge us, I have to ask what are you celebrating this Christmas?!

Looking beyond ourselves!

Wednesday we checked out of that awful motel we were staying at! The last night there was particularly awful! Not 1 but 3 prostitutes and some pretty scary yelling and fighting! We all agreed sleeping in the truck would be better than 1 more night there!! Shawn's Aunt and Uncle are letting us stay with them for a couple of days. However, they are leaving for Texas on Saturday so we will be on the grace of God again! It has been nice the past couple of nights to sleep on nice beds and in a safe place! And to be somewhere warm! Montgomery is having an unusual cold snap, we must have brought it with us! We have had so many wonderful people praying for us and I have been praying without ceasing! Lord we need a miracle! We have spent the days we have been here looking at rentals and I have been filling out job applications! We also looked at an extended stay Inn that would be a suitable short term option. It is in a MUCH safer neighborhood and the units are nice and have kitchenettes! The trouble is coming up with the $262 needed to move in! I am beginning to become quite worried that we have not gotten Kelly into  school yet! And even more worried because Shawn is really beating himself up over the situation!! He has stated that if he had not had his last breakdown and "dragged" us down here we would not be in this position. He looks so down! I keep reminding him no one plans on becoming sick, but until things get better he will never believe me! We do find things very different here, some appalling and some quite funny! The "prostitute palace" we stayed at appalling! The rental we looked at and the landlord blatantly discussed our "white person" discount! (we could have saved $345 a month on rent for being white,OMG!!!!) very appalling!! The funny, our ingenious and healthy picnics in the truck! Finding out our youngest cat has a very serious thing for peppermint gum! (she will empty out my entire purse digging for it And you should see her chew it!) And Kate Lynn can not play Rummy to save her sole! So tonight we sleep another night in warm, safe beds. Tomorrow we start out like we do everyday... job applications, house hunting, job applications, house hunting....! I still feel in my heart that this move was the right choice. With any decision this big there Will be difficulties! Someday we WILL look back on this and tell our stories about this move! The only other sadness we are all struggling to cope with is is that it is the Christmas season! We have spent days at the mall, so I can look for work. It is very disheartening to know the situation we are in and seeing all the signs of the holiday! At this point Christmas may not be a luxury we will have! We will have it in our hearts and that may be all! Trying to keep the girl's spirits high and discussing the reality that there may be no Christmas for us this year has been pretty lousy!! But keeping in the spirit of the holiday we try to remember that there are others in similar situations. Maybe some even worse! Funny story really quick-When entering a gas station to get directions on Tuesday night a very kind man held the door for me on his way out. Shawn had stayed outside to smoke and ended up chatting with the man. When I came out Shawn asked if I could give the man a dollar for coffee. I agreed, with reluctance. Later when I asked Shawn what was he thinking he replied sincerely " he was homeless and broke"! Even now sometimes we have to look beyond ourselves! In that spirit I hope all of my family and friends are all quite well!

Needing a miracle!

We arrived in Montgomery yesterday evening! We have 1 less cat, with much sadness it was realized that Garfield must have gotten out at one of our stops. When we arrived, very tired in Montgomery we realized that he was missing! We are very, very sad about this! I miss the orange fuzzy guy!!We have checked into the only place we could afford, it's extremely nasty! There is a prostitute upstairs from us and the guy next door to our room had a very angry person pounding on his door, very early this morning. He was threatening him and shouting about a gun! Joy! Today we have looked all over Montgomery for rentals. We found 1 house that would be perfect, however we are broke! IT cost pretty much all we had to get down here and then this "palace" of a motel ate up the rest of our finances! Tomorrow morning we will pack up our things into the Suburban and then we will be homeless, with No place to go. We have no income, anything we have applied for is still pending! The earliest we could see anything is on the 15th! One of the biggest reasons for our haste here, was Kelly really needs to be enrolled in school. She has missed 2 weeks and that could create real problems! We need a very, real financial miracle! Our anxiety is very, very high! I am scared to death what will happen come tomorrow. We are truly by God's Grace!

Leap of Faith!

Tomorrow we take a leap of faith and head off to Montgomery,Alabama! Shawn's folks have been a God send, however the time has come to see what is waiting for us in Mongomery! That is where we are hoping to start our new lives! We give it all to God! May He provide financing,housing and work right away!

A little bit of history

Just for those of you who do not know us as well as others, here is a little bit of background on our family.
Shawn and I met at work in a Nursing home in Haverhill,MA. We were married July1,1990 and Kate Lynn was born Aprl14,1991. Shawn and I both had great jobs and nice homes, we rented but they were nice. In 1994 Shawn's job with the city of Haverhill had lay offs and Shawn lost his job. In February of that Kelly joined our family, on the 2cnd to be precise! Now Shawn had some anger issues and there were signs of anxiety and paranoia, however up to that point we were a young family, with lots of new changes. Nothing rang out to us that there was anything to worry about. Shawn, along with others struggled to find work, he worked all sorts of jobs. Eventually he worked with his dad in the construction business, something Shawn had done before. His behavior continued to be a struggle and we both went to various therapists and Doctors. I did not have a very good up bringing so I used the therapy to teach me better parenting skills and how to be a better loving wife. For all I knew then, maybe my own baggage was creating these issues! (Boy have I learned ALOT!) In 1997 or so we bought our first home! I had a fantastic job as a phlebotomist and Shawn continued to work with his dad in construction. However, things were really spiraling out of control for Shawn. After a few years and some issues with our mortgage company we sold our home. We moved into a rental apartment in the home Shawn's folks and brother owned.In 2001 things were really going down hill quickly in the construction business and Shawn's family needed to sell their home. Facing another move we looked to North Conway, NH. Deciding it would be a great place to raise the girls, I had family there and it made the most sense. On September 11, 2001 we grieved with the rest of our Nation! That September we made our way up North, not to North Conway. God had put barriers there! No we landed in North Woodstock, NH. Shawn and I found jobs quickly and we had a fairly nice rental home. But the stress of the past year or so had come to pay a visit in a very big way! In May of 2002 Shawn was admitted for the first time to  the hospital, for suicidal ideation Without any question, had he not agreed to go, with a whole alot of encouragement from me, he would NOT be here today. Things in North Woodstock were far from ideal and I felt in my heart that if he came back there that he would not ever be well! So while he was in the hospital I made the decision to pack up and move...where? Who knew! We had no place to go. I figured if we went to a campground and"camped out" for a little bit things would fall into place! I had no idea just how wrong I would be or how long that camping experience would last! For 8 months we had no place to call home, for 5 of those months we were in tents. Let me tell you something, there is no fun camping in October in new Hampshire! For another couple months it was by the grace of relatives and then then the last month in the worst kind of hotel you can imagine! By December 2002, we landed on our feet, just barely, in Intervale, NH a suburb of North Conway, NH. Shawn was on disability by this time and I was working seasonal jobs. It was an OK place, but it was ours. By September 2003 I had a very good job and things were looking up. It would seem nothing lasts forever!     To be continued!

Have you ever wondered?

This evening, after having dinner with Shawn's folks, Shawn and I were dragged to the mall by the girls! Kate Lynn has been dying to go to the mall since being down here and been denied the pleasure of a large mall in New Hampshire. With some trepidation off we went! Not having the luxury of having extra cash to spend or a home to bring items too, it seemed ridiculous to be there. I spent a great deal of the time people watching. Wondering what kinds of lives does that person have? What kind of home do they go home to? Do they have financial concerns? And above all... what would people think if they knew that that family they just passed won't be  doing any Christmas shopping this year, no cool gadgets for those two teenage girls. Instead that family is dreaming of a place to call home for Christmas. That their dream for Christmas is to lay their heads down on their own pillows in their own beds!    Have you ever wondered?
We arrived back at Shawn's folks house, glad to have a place to go, but I am certainly blue! On nights like this I really feel the weight of the decision that we have made! Dear Lord hear our prayers, we need a home for Christmas!

Positive Day!

Today's more positive thinking actually started last evening. The girls and I played cards, while eating cookie and strawberry hotfudge sundays! What a great way with dealing with struggles, stop and spend some time regrouping as a family! Today Shawn is even more improved, even up and around some! And so not to dwell on our own Chrstmas limbo, the girls and I spent the entire day helping Shawn's dad decorate the entire Condo units outside courtyard with lights! It kept us all busy most of the day and kept us focused on something good! I was aslo able to get some more important phone calls in, not with much success...still pending! (something we are growing used to hearing!!). Shawn did hear that he has a mandatory disability appointment in Alabama on December 15th. So onward and upward, I guess. We will have to be in Montgomery before then, where is entirely up to God! We have to leave it up to Him! Kelly is getting very,very anxious about getting back into school, as are we! I do not want her too miss so much that she is held back! That would be a huge shame. She has worked very hard to do well this year. I keep believing that God will provide us with housing before Christmas, now I just have to maintain that faith!

Holiday's in Limbo

By this time Shawn, the girls and I have begun our Christmas traditions. Lighting the advent wreath, setting up the nativity, decorating the tree and setting up the wise men in one part of the house to begin their journey around the house to arrive at the nativity on Christmas day, lot's of baking, Christmas light drives and the daily Chrstmas t.v. show family time in the evening. We have been able to watch the shows, however there is not a whole lot of Christmas feeling in this family yet! I miss our time reading the bible, praying and lighting the wreath as a family. My prayer is for us to just have a place of our own by Christmas, that is my Christmas miracle wish!
To update you on Shawn's health from the dental surgery. He is still in pain, however appears to be getting a lttle better. He slept fairly well last night,PTL!
Today I am trying to figure out what to do. What is it I can do to help our circumstances a little better. What, that is the question?? I feel like we have done all we can do. What are we missing??
Well, This is my 3rd posting, I am going to work out the best ways to write and presents this everyday. I hope someone is reading it. This isn't a pity party site. I hope truly that if someone is having difficulties in their own life and read my postings, maybe I will inspire them to have a little more hope and a lot more faith. Sometimes we have to step out on faith and see where it takes us!